Monday, December 31, 2018

Friday, February 12, 2010

Kitchigami Library

The shape, the heft and weight, a small rectangle pulsing with secrets and stories, different places, other worlds; a book.

Open the front cover and you’re there: camping near a stream with Nick Adams. In a rabbit warren planning strategic military maneuvers - bunny style. Running through battle scarred woods trying to avoid the red badge of courage. Living in a dugout house by the banks of Plum Creek.

And there is something about the scent of books; new books have a distinct smell of clean page, fresh ink. Old books, faintly musty, warm smelling. I wonder whose hands have turned the pages. I wonder if they liked the story. I wonder if it changed them.

When I was a child our books were borrowed from the Kitchigami Regional Library in the small town near where we lived. On Saturday mornings the books borrowed the previous week were gathered into a cardboard carton and returned to the library while my mother went grocery shopping. We were then allowed to meander through the library aisles and choose a whole new bouquet of books for the upcoming week. It was heaven. I hardly knew where to begin.

When I first learned to read, I carried the Beatrix Potter stories to the smallest library tables and pored over them reverently. The Kitchigami had three child sized tables with tiny matching chairs, all positioned near the front windows where the sun streamed in. Those stories were, as they are still, truly wonderful to a young child; miniature, green covered books with delightful pictures and enchanting stories, and I read every word aloud. Quietly, of course. Beatrix Potter worked her spell of magic on me, hooked and reeled me into reading and books, for life.

When Mom finished her shopping she gathered us up, books and all, and we drove back home. Later in the day, when either she or Dad had a few minutes to spare, we kids gathered round in the living room where one of them would sit with a child or two on their lap, or hanging over the arms of the chair, maybe sprawled on the floor, and we would listen as they began to narrate their way through the seemingly endless stack of books. We hung on every word, and as soon as one story was finished we begged to hear another one, just as my nieces and nephews do now. Never have I heard any oration, to this day, that can match those calm, warm voices of my Mother and Dad reading aloud.

I felt very grown-up penciling my name on the sign-out cards at the Kitchigami. I left my mark on a great many of those books.

And a great many of those books left their mark on me.

Monday, February 8, 2010

It's getting a little harder to greet winter with a cheery smile.

Earlier in the season, I would shovel my driveway out, then a nice path through the gate to the back door, clean all the snow from the back steps, continue shoveling a path around the back and south side of the house, make another little path across to the neighbor's sidewalk so the mailman didn't have to walk that extra few feet back down to the front.

Then I'd shovel clear my front steps, sidewalk and the walkway to the street. It didn't take long, and it felt good to be out in the fresh air, so I'd shovel my neighbor's walk too, whistling all the while. Resisting a temptation to swing around the streetlight a couple times, Fred Astaire style.

But it's mid February now, the luster of winter is starting to wear thin, and I find my shoveling techniques have gotten a smidge sloppy.

After a dismal drive home from a long day at the office, trying to avoid various spinning, sliding vehicles driven by other storm-glazed people, I arrive at the alley entrance, give my car just the right amount of extra gas and a special twist of the wheel to perfectly hurl it around a tight corner and over ruts so cavernous you could sink wheel-deep in them. Then, using the momentum to slide down the alley while pressing the garage door opener, I careen the car from the narrow rutted track, at a sharp 90 degree turn, into my very small driveway.

After kicking ineffectively for a while at the car turds solidly frozen behind each wheel, I wearily grab a shovel from the garage and trudge out front.

The snow on the sides of the steps is piled higher than the top step this time of year, and as I heap it further upwards, it trickles back down onto them. I find that I don't really mind it all that much.

The front walk is kind of the same, the snowpiles on either side of my walk are fairly mountainous, and I no longer feel like whistling while I work. My back hurts.

I notice my front sidewalk has become about a foot narrower than both of my neighbor's front walks. The hell with them anyway. They're both old and retired and have all day to shovel. They should shovel me out once in a while.

I chip out a very narrow path out to the street. Someone could probably access it to get from the street to the sidewalk if they really need too. They'll have to duck-walk sideways, but I guess if they don't like it they can shovel out their own damn path.

A few snowfalls ago I stopped clearing the trail from the back gate, around the side and up to the front of the house. Who'll be needing that anyway? And the cut-across path for the mailman? Fat chance I'm spending any time grooming that shortcut. He gets paid to walk, doesn't he? No one pulls me around my office in a special wagon.

My driveway is now about as narrow as it can possibly get, and still accommodate my car. The snow is higher than the backyard fence making it difficult to fling the stuff anywhere. I'm blindly whaling shovelfuls as high as I can, on either side of the drive; the snow sliding off the arcing shovel in great feathery plumes, some of it trickling back down to where it started from. It's a mess, but I ignore it.

I put the shovel back in the garage, close the door, hope for spring.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Who can tell,
the children with their
bikes and balls
and laughter there,
I thought were mine.

Journeys never taken,
books, maybe,
to write,
and sights
unseen.
People yet to meet
and some I wish
unmet.

Who can say,
whether I have gone
the way
I should, no question
left unchecked.
Am I whole,
or at my dying
will I wonder why
I went this way,
not the other.
Who could know.

It wouldn’t
happen any
other way -
my days
have blossomed
as they must,
left up to trust,
without regret,
from birth
to dust.

Mary Ellen Seidel
5/26/2002

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Meat Raffle Sestina

Father Seamus holds outstretched arms
to offer a blessing over the bingo cards and the frozen
meat. The rectory, next door to the VFW, awaits, warm
and inviting, his house/spouse but he’ll take just a kiss
of scotch before he goes, thank you Myrna dear. Red colored
blush rises in her face, he’s so handsome for a priest! He’s gone

before she can think of a flirty reply. Gone
are the days of suitors and Saturday night dates for her. Arms
reach wildly for the best bingo cards, colored
bingo stampers grabbed from the bar by hammy fists, the frozen
meat packages present an exciting array on the table. A kiss
for luck from Betty, the caller, for those who want one. “Warm

your hands here, Annie!” Eddie pulls up his sweatshirt, warm
belly thrusts toward her. He smiles, a few teeth gone,
“Later then, eh?” he winks, then blows her a kiss.
Eddie has tattoos of naked women on both arms.
Annie smiles, red-nailed hand gripping her beer, hair frozen
from gel and spray, two hours getting ready, lips colored

with Satin Yearning Pink. Arnold, beside her, has colored
his card in a red bingo line and won the round. Warm
applause. Arnold buys Annie ten tickets for the raffle, the frozen
prizes coveted by the bar patrons and bingoers alike. Eddie, gone
to the restroom during Arnold’s shining moment, arms
himself with a basket of popcorn, presented to Annie with a kiss

to the back of her neck. She cringes, only slightly. He leans to kiss
her mouth, she can’t. Yet. He has dark colored
stains on his sweatshirt, under the arms.
She drinks her beer, eyes Arnold. The room feels warm.
The choice meats go first, she eyes the table, the steaks are gone
already. White packages tucked under arms, stacked on the bar, frozen

promises of later pleasures. Arnold leaves, she waves, smile frozen.
Eddie, drunk, brings her a beer, she gives him a quick kiss.
Not that bad. Now nearly all the meat packages are gone.
One of her numbers is called, she hands the colored
ticket to Betty, “Jerky or hotdogs, you choose, Annie.” Warm
from the beers, she allows herself into Eddie’s arms.

The bar patrons and bingoers gone, the bright colored
VFW sign outside frozen in her mind, Eddie’s kiss
sweet and warm, there in her car in his arms.


Mary Ellen Seidel
3/20/2002

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Weaning

He is aware
of absence
through intangibles.
The patio lacks
the smell of her cigarette,
no perfume lingering at her dressing table.
In the refrigerator,
bleak yawning shelves hold
no fresh greens, no yogurt.
A moldering army of take out containers
march across the glass racks.

Her nail polish
in the bathroom cabinet,
shades of pink and red.
He opens one, memories stagger him,
grabs the vanity for balance
dripping blood red on the white porcelain sink.

Dreaming on the sofa,
the cool of her hand caressing his forehead,
brushing back his hair.
Awakes to darkness and cold hard rain.
He sleeps with her clothing,
a different piece each night,
arms wrapped round her sweaters,
weaning himself,
as her fragrance
slowly fades
away.

Mary Ellen Seidel

Published: Nerve Cowboy 2002

Monday, December 14, 2009

Garden Grave

In the corner of my garden
is a grave,
sunken, shallow
patch of grass
amidst the roses.
Weathered headstone, etched
with faded name and date,
and then below:
SHE WAS MY ONLY
and I wonder more
at what became
of him.

The ivy curls
around the stone
the way her hair may have
gently shaped
her face.
Blue violets and
Solomon’s Seal,
nodding round the grave,
like neighbor ladies
come to tea.
I think she sleeps
content here
in my garden corner.

I leave the moss to grow
over the stone and mark
the passing of time,
but every year
I chop the roses back
and pull away the weeds
to let the sunlight
shift and play upon the grave.

Mary Ellen Seidel
5/6/2002

Published: Maelstrom 2002

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Paper

Mama kept paper
in the old yellow cupboard,
loose leaf and lined.
She said, be sure to use both sides.
It was for drawing
and writing stories.
She fed our minds.
I was five,
she was proud,
young Picassos,
Shakespeares undiscovered.
She fed us.

Mary Ellen Seidel
5/24/2004

Published: Nerve Cowboy 2002

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Old Crow

The old woman
wanders through town,
clad in black tattered
man’s overcoat,
a fast food paper crown,
worn, ancient tap shoes.

Birds follow
wherever she ambles,
their dark plumage
an endless wave of
swoop and lift.

Very early mornings
in the village square
she dances,
slow scraping softshoe,
shuffle tap, shuffle tap,
under the cupola’d roof
of the empty gazebo.

After, she curtsies,
tossing handfuls
of seed from her pockets.
The birds
rise and squawk
in a riotous ovation.


Mary Ellen Seidel

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Resurrection

I sort through my father’s closet
afterward,
his meager wardrobe,
he’d worn the same jacket for
as long as I could remember.
Wing-tips, shined daily,
fifty years old.
He stares from atop the bureau,
smiling, cradling infant me in his arms,
both of us framed in silver, and
I see myself in the mirror, the
spitting image of him.
The photograph seems
oddly, then, me with me.

I put on his Sunday suit, step into
his shoes, and go
down to greet the mourners.
My sister, in the kitchen,
drops her wine glass
when she sees me. I circulate
through the rooms, among
his old friends and relatives,
shaking hands,
Thank you, thank you for coming.


Mary Ellen Seidel
5/20/2002

Published: Nerve Cowboy 2002

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The wind is howling outside the windows of my house tonight. It's a good, strong bluster, and the house shifts and creaks, settling it's bones for the winter. Muffled sound of a dog yipping a few blocks away, till someone lets it back inside. The comfortable warm hum of the furnace. Except for an unreasonably bad October, this is the first real Minnesota snow for the season. I'm secretly happy about it. It came down yesterday, just a few inches, covering the city in white, like a smooth cool sheet of paper, ready for a story. The wind swoops up and down through the houses in my neighborhood, gathers itself, and swoops again, blowing away the long autumn, tumultuous summer, unsettled spring; sweeping, sweeping clean. 

Vegas Kitty is all stretched out and softly snoring on my pink flowered quilt, right where I would like to put my legs, but I don't want to disturb her slumber and cat dreams, and anyway, I find, I'm feeling pretty comfortable right where I am.

Big Doll       Big Doll was given to me at Christmas when I was around 4 years old. She was not new even then, but I didn’t know...